I was put in a really embarrassing situation on Twitter a while back when Malcolm Khalil X/@KhalilHT3 (god, I hope that’s his real name) asked me what was the last horror film which really scared me.
Truth is, I’m not a big horror fan and there are many reasons for
this. One is because I hate surprises. Ask anyone who knows me personally; I
hate not knowing things before they happen. I hate birthdays/Christmas, because
people hide presents from me and have a perverse need to see my reaction when I
open their gifts. I hate it so much. You have no idea how many times I’ve had
to exaggerate or down-right lie after I’ve opened a gift. And on the rare
occasion when someone surprises me with something that moves me emotionally – I
hate it more. I hate being speechless, or worse, crying in front of people. I’m
not that guy.
Bringing it back to films a little bit – the hatred of surprises
is also why I ruin a lot of films for myself by seeking out spoilers before I
see them. Yes, I’m that guy that must watch every trailer, comb every forum for
every little secret piece of information before I pay the extortionate amount
of money in the cinema. And I accept that this tendency has ruined many films
for me. For example, I’ve recently read a full blown description of what
happens in the new Star Trek film.
And it’s this need to never be shocked, to never be left
emotionally venerable that has caused me to not have the greatest relationship
with horror films.
But it has never always been that way.
…
The first real horror film I ever saw was Michael Jackson’s
Thriller – and yes, I’m counting it as an actual film. I loved it, I thought it
was cool and I thought the zombies were creepy. But when the zombies started to
get to me, which was about the point when the dudes hand fell off, they broke
out into a line dance. So, yeh.
My reaction to Thriller was very different to many in my family.
My little sister, who is five years younger than me, was so disturbed by it
that she refused to watch it every again. I used to tease her by unsuspectingly
putting the film on and it used to reduce her to tears (don’t judge me).
This brings me on nicely to another horror film that made an
impression on me.
…
Once upon a time, my other little sister (only a year younger) was
having a sleepover and, for some reason, I was in charge of what films she and
her friends got to watch. All she specified was “something scary”. So together
with my dad, we went to Blockbusters and hired The Exorcist (god bless my
father).
I remember watching that film with my two sisters and their
friends (like a pimp) and thinking how boring it was. In fact, a lot of their
friends were also complaining about how nothing was happening. Until Linda
Blair pissed herself.
After that point, I can’t remember my sister or her friends saying
a mumbling word. Just jumping and screaming. After the sleepover, my youngest
sister was so affected by the film that she demanded to sleep in my parent room
for about a month or so (My other sister crept in for a couple of days as
well). I laughed this off – but the hiding I got from my dad after watching
that film suggested that it wasn’t a joke (note, he was there with me when I
picked the film).
If I was honest with myself, that film messed me up as well. The
imagery in The Exorcist may be tame by today’s standards but to an early teen
it was pretty piss-inducing stuff. In fact, for me, the more I watch that film
with adult eyes, the scarier it gets. There is an actual fathomable story and
theme behind that film to support its iconic imagery – and I find that story
ridiculous scary.
…
Perversely, the older I and my sisters got the more scary films we
consumed. With that said, after The Exorcist, the only “horror” film I enjoyed
was Interview with the Vampire. I found horror films of the late 2000s to be
nothing more than husk vehicles with no point to them other than to surprise
you, make you jump and squirm. And I hate that.
I find the Scream, Saw and Paranormal Activity franchise to be
utterly pointless. I don’t get them, I don’t understand them and they don’t get
under my skin like The Exorcist did.
I appreciate that maybe horror films are not my bag and that I
don’t understand them. It also may very well be the case that I am a huge
(censor) sissy who doesn’t have the testicular fortitude to stand his ground
during such films. I accept that this maybe the case. I tried to watch Shutter
Island, but as soon as I saw that scary old lady at the start, I switched the
film off.
…
I really would love to learn more about horror films. I’d love an
enthusiast to show me the soul behind what I feel is a very soulless genre of
late. But I fear that horror films are just like those people that want to
catch me out by surprising with a gift – but instead of making me smile, they
want to see me piss myself.
